Many of my friends know that one day, long time ago, while sober, I had a vision, of what may have been the 4th. Secret of Fatima? But as we live in different times and nobody believes that I am a shepherdess, at the time, that vision only served to make my ex believe I was schizophrenic and start the process of unloving me? Afff
But there’s no problem. In that vision, our lady of Fatima first came, then a shapeshifter woman who kept changing shapes with a lion, or a feline, I don’t know. Then I saw that monument of the four American presidents on the Mount Rushmore, but I could see only 1 face and it was Thomas Jefferson. Then there was a word, but I could only see 3 letters: E, S, N.
I have told this story to my friends many times. But that’s not what I want to talk about now. Months after that vision, I found myself in a very dark time of my life, when I decided to paint a painting, in a random style. When I finished, I had a lot of dark energy in the painting, and I could also see several faces of sad kittens or whatever, unprotected cats. It was such a heavy energy that when I took the picture of that painting, my cell phone broke AT THE EXACT TIME! The photo was on the screen and was erasing everything from the screen slowly. I SWEAR!
But now, years later and at a great moment of my life, I found it could be cool to make my first painting with menstruation blood. For our period blood is something sacred, and it’s good, sometimes, to give ourselves the time to tap into our feminine energy in a deep way, and get in touch with this beautiful moment of the month that reminds us of our own nature and the seasons of a woman’s life and feminine parts.
And totally random again, I painted. When it was done, I came to see which side I preferred, and that was it. I’m not sure if it’s just me, or if you also see on the top right, on the whites, there’s a lion, and shapes of faces, and that stem to the upper right that goes ad-infinitum as if it’s coming from outside into the canvas, or as if it was going from the canvas to the outside space. I see lots of lion feats.
To me, it’s simply a message from the universe. What message could it be? I don’t know yet. But you know… the message in plastic arts communicates at the subconscious level. I just know that I think my painting is beautiful and I will protect it.
What a beautiful band is Led Zeppelin, right? A long time ago, in my early twenties, I had a cover band of Led Zeppelin, and I was Robert Plant, and I used lights on my hair and wore it curly, but I wouldn’t take off the shirt, for breasts reasons. Ah but our band was good. But ah, I had too much stage fright. How to be a cover band of led zeppelin having stage fright? And I took no drugs at the time, could not even get high. It was so good and so crap at the same time …
Just remembering that Led Zeppelin is a wonderful band and we only really learn to appreciate them deeply when we begin to have an interest in mythology, and middle age, and knights, and ladies, and Lord of the rings and game of thrones. Because if you are not interested in it, Led Zeppelin is just an awesome band with some awesome men. But when you know that Robert Plant is practically a faun who came from medieval age to write lyrics about alchemy and journeys on how to become a better man and kill dragons, and immigrate, and leave your land with the gods to conquer others, and Wait 10 years to find a lost love, and the seasons to which love goes through … there you understand what Led Zeppelin came to add. Lol
Just as this new season of Game of Thrones started, I’ve started to watch it for the first time. This week, as I completed my journey through the first season, a lot of friends on Facebook were mocking me all the time for some character I would like and get attached, not knowing that his end was always close. It seemed like veterans vs freshmen. I will not give up, my friends, I will continue watching Game of Thrones.
But before starting the second season, I thought it would be cool to make a summary of the season 1 for those who haven’t seen and don’t want to see:
It starts when a kid sees two siblings having sex. No big deal, right? Who never had sex with a sibling? But the siblings are the Royals, I don’t know. And when the boy is pushed from the top of the tower to die for what he saw, he decides to survive, oh boy why? humph! Children are a lot of work, aren’t them? Then the king will bother again with another children’s fight, and kill the other kid’s wolf. humph! I really wanted to have a paranormal wolf like that in my life. BUT GUYS: THIS IS A KIDS’ FITGH!!! My mother used not to pay any attention to it. But the Royals care.
Then there is a super young girl, in a really small body, And well, she has to marry a WONDERFUL 5 meters of man. OMG what a man! At first, he fucked badly, but then she teaches him, you know… everything sorted out.
There is a marvelous dwarf who, although not tall, we would go with him for a drink, all the girls would, for he speaks really well and would convince us.
There is a madwoman there who still breastfeeds her 20-year-old child (kidding: maybe 15), and the boy hangs on her shoulder wanting to eat. oh Man! Women, breastfeeding is beautiful, but right: there are limits! lol We won’t breastfeed anyone over 10, please.
Soon the king’s friend, BEST MAN OF THE WORLD, is about to lose his head because he has scruples, but not the new king: a mean psychopath boy, who ordered to cut off the head of the best man of the world. I’m not even going to say anything, I’m still in tears. RIP WONDERFUL BEST MAN OF THE WORLD.
Humph, I nearly forgot: there’s the mother, Catelyn, who… God! if she had a Facebook account, I’m sure she would embarrass her kids on the internet night and day with some awkward showing ups on threads. That’s all I have to say about her.
And in the end, the 5 meters of man dies? Like ok: he did turn into a little zombie after he’s survived some infected wound, but then the small girl kills him? GIRL!!! YOU ARE NOT PREPARED FOR BOYS OF REAL LIFE. If I was going to kill every man I had that suddenly got emotionally unavailable, I would have turned into a serial killer. He’s a bit zombie? yes! but not really different from all those emotionally distant men we all saw in our lives. And what do we do with them? We just keep the relationship, getting crazy day after day, for he doesn’t give us half of the loving he used to, we ask them what happened, they say !nothing, that it’s all in our mind”, all that gaslighting… IT’S NORMAL, KHALEESI, YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO KILL HIM!!! =(
Well, the small girl loses her son, her reign, everything, but gives birth to 3 beautiful and healthy dragon.
I have seen many friends and family members lately taking medication for depression, and attending to psychiatrists. Some friends even compare the brands and types of tablets they take, some even find it cool. Brazilians love to say they’re taking medicine for depression.
Well, I’m not here to generalize nor judge. I came here just to give a testimony because I’ve been there, and yes, I have taken medicine, for the night I started taking it, the despair was so massive, that it was that or suicide. Anything is better than suicide, right? Even tablets for depression.
We are made by cells. But more than that, we are made up of parts even smaller than cells. But not only physically: mentally, psychologically and spiritually as well. We are made of several small little people who get together to form the whole, which we call an individual. The formula of water is H2O. Now play with the molecules. Take away only a hydrogen molecule from this formula to see what happens: it turns into hydroxyl: HO. Same way the difference between graphite and diamond is only the way the molecules of Carbon are grouped. I’m very geek, I know!
But the point is: when we move these small parts of ourselves or when we reject them, and delete them from within us, what we are doing is completely reshaping the concept of us. And just as with the molecules, this has a price: Reject many parts of yourself, and you will lose your essence, turning into something else, anything else. Then, when we get into something else, we often don’t understand why we are so sad “even having everything to be happy,” we do not understand why we’re in the middle of the bar, listening to Daft Punk, being hugged by the man you love the most, and you can’t have fun, and by the way, you look all around and you just want to die.
You think you have a problem in your brain and that it cannot produce the hormones or neurotransmitters able to give you joy again. You ignorant, do not know you’re sad and miserable for a single hard truth: NO ONE CAN BE HAPPY WITHOUT HIMSELF. But you don’t know that putting all the unwanted little pieces of you in the garbage, you ended up with only a small percentage of yourself, and now you are miserable.
When I started with the tablets, it was the day I felt more empty of my own self, I was not there, my soul was gone, but I could not understand or point out the problem. I had rejected so many parts of me in order to live a great love story, that then I had a great love story, but I was not there to enjoy it. I had fired many “mes” from inside me. I cannot blame anyone, the person I loved, also not understanding what was going on, did all he could. And from him I got the greatest advice of all: “baby – he said, lying in bed with teary and tired eyes – when you’re in the loop of bad feelings, do the reverse way: if you feel guilty for making my life difficult with your bad moment, know that I’m fine, it’s fine, then remove the guilt away from your shoulders. Then what comes before this feeling? Is it the frustration for not being well? look for the solution: accept that things take time, and take the frustration away from your shoulders. And do the reverse loop, and one day you will get the exact cause of this, will remove from your shoulders, and will get back to the point before the depression. ” He was so right! The exact cause, though, would need a blood sacrifice: our separation.
But it would still take some months before it happened. Until then, it was just a complete lack of understanding of myself and the world. I took the medicine. It was a desperate dark night in which I just wanted to stop that agony. And the medication helped me to keep alive for one night. And then for days, but it sucked when it turned into months.
Unable to understand what was going on and being totally ignorant about self-healing or self-awareness, I took the medicine to make it easier to others the burden of dealing with me. I would numb myself, I was in the air: a way of never really solving the problem. Tablets only made me being ok in not feeling whole. You don’t take medicine to cure depression, but to accept that you have depression. When we finally ended the relationship, the first thing I did was throwing that box away, I always felt that whatever I was feeling, I really needed to feel it with all of my heart, so then I could understand why and where that pain came from, and find my way back from graphite into diamond.
It takes a lot of willpower and courage to look inside ourselves in moments like this, because usually, it’s so dark. It takes a lot of bravery to be able to see in ourselves the things we don’t want to see, our shadow, our ugly side. I realized that I kept the label of depression for a while because it put me in a very comfortable position: “I wouldn’t have to fight for life: I had depression. I will stay here in my little corner enjoying my miserable self, and I hope you to understand”. Buying that label, I had thrown away another part of me: my hero. Also, I, in my medicated depression, got the laziness to live, lazy to strive, to make or keep friendships. And then, I also complained of loneliness. What a wonderful vicious circle. But when we’re in the shit, we do not know.
No one likes to suffer, but do you really think that if the pain had no use for us as species, we would still feel it? No, friends, pain is a great partner, a great friend: pain, sadness, dissatisfaction is what moves the world: it shows us what we don’t want for our lives, and stays with us until we get the other life we really want. The snake, if it doesn’t change the skin, it rots. Each stage of your life will demand another different version of you, and it’s not taking medicine what will help turn whatever you are into what you need to become. The medication only keeps you ok in wanting to grab the un-updated version, that is already in the past time. What will turn your sorrow into a friend and not an enemy, is to stay present with it, and listen to all your littles “yous”, and what they want from you. Bring back those ones you’ve fired and shine bright like a diamond.
Hi friends! In today’s program, I’ll talk about something that I see my friends doing a lot. I won’t judge them, for who am I to judge, if I was like this until yesterday:
I just want to remind you that we spend a lot of time and a lot of life energy projecting into love relationships and into another person our own energy, vitality, sense of existence and passion. And then when they are not around for 5 minutes, we see that we’ve actually built up an empty life for ourselves with no passion: because that’s what the human being does: we find another human being to entertain and distract ourselves and we enter into the mental and emotional loops of the other so we don’t have to deal with the complexity of our own being. And then we get depressed, thinking that we are in an abusive relationship and (and sometimes we are). But most of the times, we ourselves are the ones who abuse our own being: getting out from a relationship to enter into another as we change clothes not to see who we really are when we get naked. In the end, we have been naked all the time, like in The Emperor’s New Clothes.
So we set that relationship as the most important thing in life, and maybe the only thing in life. Then we don’t try to find out what we like, what career to follow, what gives us pleasure, we don’t make an effort to keep a friendship circle etc. We think we’re safe from the world. And then when that relationship ends, we look around, and we see ourselves in a shit job, no friends, we don’t do and have never done anything that gives us pleasure, we haven’t progressed at all. We have done nothing for ourselves.
Remember: It’s very good to have someone, but even better to have yourself.
They say there is no past, present and future. It’s all just one thing, that goes all together on quantum levels and such. They also say we are all connected, they say we are one.
So I thought about the people that we see today going through the same shit that we once experienced and had no one on our side to say how to do it or at least give a shoulder and make it easier… Ever wondered if when we decide to be for this person the friend that we didn’t have, we are actually finding ourselves in a quantum slit and then giving ourselves the friend we didn’t have when we needed?
There was a moment in my life when I was absolutely alone in the world going through some very heavy stuff and it was too much for one person to handle, I found myself totally alone and isolated. I ended up surviving, of course, because that’s what we do.
Months later, there was another moment in my life when I was totally broken but this time, two angels came into my life carrying me along with their sweet instant friendship. And that made all difference.
So now when I see someone going through the same troubles I’ve been through, I try to be for him/her the friend I couldn’t find when I was the person in trouble alone. Like, “You’re not going to go through this alone. Not in my shift. ” And I think that this is really it? It seems like suddenly I, somewhere in time, find the friend I did not have when I needed most years ago, and all of a sudden, I get all the other good things and open doors that come along when someone is with us in a moment of pain. Try it. It’s very good.
What we give to others is what we give to ourselves.
I was just listening to New Order and remembering that when I was in college, I lived with a lot of people in a CRUSP manhole. I say manhole, because, Jesus … there were so many cockroaches flying around all the time …
I lived with the world’s poorest people. I was also deprecated. They were 2 Goths and I loved them. They spent the whole day in their black clothes, and they also slept like that. I used to say, “How do you guys sleep in the very same clothes you’ve spent the day?” And they would say, “How do you spend the day in the very same clothes you’ve spent the night?” Because I spent the days in pajamas, I was famous for that and I did not see any problem in going to class like that either.
Well, I just know we loved each other a lot. And we spent the days and nights listening to some Smiths, Joy Division and New Order tapes. Sometimes we would hear Enya as asleep, kind of trying to feel peaceful. Mariana was my best friend, and she would caress my back until I fell asleep, as if I was a cat. Sometimes Luizemara of Geology would tell me stories of how the planets worked, that I listened as a child listens to fairy tales at night. And I guess the universe really loved me, putting so many good people in my life!
One day, I went to see a job, and Mariana went to take me to the bus stop. From the bus window, I yelled, “When I get home, I’m going to make you a vanguard hairstyle.” I would never see her again. She died at the age of 18. And that silly promise was the last thing I said. Nothing amusing, nothing wise, nothing that could have made a special moment in her life.
Sometimes when I’m sad, I think, “What would Mariana give now for the chance of being sad again? What would Mariana do if she was alive now? “And then I hear Smiths and New Order. This is what she would surely be doing.
For you, Mariana, wherever you are, all my love.
“And I’ve never seen anyone quite like you before”