Medication for depression or for self-deception?

I have seen many friends and family members lately taking medication for depression, and attending to psychiatrists. Some friends even compare the brands and types of tablets they take, some even find it cool. Brazilians love to say they’re taking medicine for depression.

Well, I’m not here to generalize nor judge. I came here just to give a testimony because I’ve been there, and yes, I have taken medicine, for the night I started taking it, the despair was so massive, that it was that or suicide. Anything is better than suicide, right? Even tablets for depression.

We are made by cells. But more than that, we are made up of parts even smaller than cells. But not only physically: mentally, psychologically and spiritually as well. We are made of several small little people who get together to form the whole, which we call an individual. The formula of water is H2O. Now play with the molecules. Take away only a hydrogen molecule from this formula to see what happens: it turns into hydroxyl: HO. Same way the difference between graphite and diamond is only the way the molecules of Carbon are grouped. I’m very geek, I know!

With: medication – without:  myself ( the last picture I took in the time of medication. You see! no need to say more)

But the point is: when we move these small parts of ourselves or when we reject them, and delete them from within us, what we are doing is completely reshaping the concept of us. And just as with the molecules, this has a price: Reject many parts of yourself, and you will lose your essence, turning into something else, anything else. Then, when we get into something else, we often don’t understand why we are so sad “even having everything to be happy,” we do not understand why we’re in the middle of the bar, listening to Daft Punk, being hugged by the man you love the most, and you can’t have fun, and by the way, you look all around and you just want to die.

You think you have a problem in your brain and that it cannot produce the hormones or neurotransmitters able to give you joy again. You ignorant, do not know you’re sad and miserable for a single hard truth: NO ONE CAN BE HAPPY WITHOUT HIMSELF. But you don’t know that putting all the unwanted little pieces of you in the garbage, you ended up with only a small percentage of yourself, and now you are miserable.

without: medication – with: myself

 

When I started with the tablets, it was the day I felt more empty of my own self, I was not there, my soul was gone, but I could not understand or point out the problem. I had rejected so many parts of me in order to live a great love story, that then I had a great love story, but I was not there to enjoy it. I had fired many “mes” from inside me.  I cannot blame anyone, the person I loved, also not understanding what was going on, did all he could. And from him I got the greatest advice of all: “baby – he said, lying in bed with teary and tired eyes  – when you’re in the loop of bad feelings, do the reverse way: if you feel guilty for making my life difficult with your bad moment, know that I’m fine, it’s fine, then remove the guilt away from your shoulders. Then what comes before this feeling? Is it the frustration for not being well? look for the solution: accept that things take time, and take the frustration away from your shoulders. And do the reverse loop, and one day you will get the exact cause of this, will remove from your shoulders, and will get back to the point before the depression. ” He was so right! The exact cause, though, would need a blood sacrifice: our separation.

But it would still take some months before it happened. Until then, it was just a complete lack of understanding of myself and the world. I took the medicine. It was a desperate dark night in which I just wanted to stop that agony. And the medication helped me to keep alive for one night. And then for days, but it sucked when it turned into months.

Unable to understand what was going on and being totally ignorant about self-healing or self-awareness, I took the medicine to make it easier to others the burden of dealing with me. I would numb myself, I was in the air: a way of never really solving the problem. Tablets only made me being ok in not feeling whole. You don’t take medicine to cure depression, but to accept that you have depression. When we finally ended the relationship, the first thing I did was throwing that box away, I always felt that whatever I was feeling, I really needed to feel it with all of my heart, so then I could understand why and where that pain came from, and find my way back from graphite into diamond.

It takes a lot of willpower and courage to look inside ourselves in moments like this, because usually, it’s  so dark. It takes a lot of bravery to be able to see in ourselves the things we don’t want to see, our shadow, our ugly side. I realized that I kept the label of depression for a while because it put me in a very comfortable position: “I wouldn’t have to fight for life: I had depression. I will stay here in my little corner enjoying my miserable self, and I hope you to understand”. Buying that label, I had thrown away another part of me: my hero. Also, I, in my medicated depression, got the laziness to live, lazy to strive, to make or keep friendships. And then, I also complained of loneliness. What a wonderful vicious circle. But when we’re in the shit, we do not know.

No one likes to suffer, but do you really think that if the pain had no use for us as species, we would still feel it? No, friends, pain is a great partner, a great friend: pain, sadness, dissatisfaction is what moves the world: it shows us what we don’t want for our lives, and stays with us until we get the other life we really want. The snake, if it doesn’t change the skin, it rots. Each stage of your life will demand another different version of you, and it’s not taking medicine what will help turn whatever you are into what you need to become. The medication only keeps you ok in wanting to grab the un-updated version, that is already in the past time. What will turn your sorrow into a friend and not an enemy, is to stay present with it, and listen to all your littles “yous”, and what they want from you. Bring back those ones you’ve fired and shine bright like a diamond.

Us Witches

It has been a long time since we, as human species, lived in a matriarchal society. In that tribal society, they had a ritual of procreation, for as we know well, women living together menstruate together. In that ritual of copulation, on certain nights of the month, beautifully synchronized with some phase of the moon, men and women would attend with the intention to procreate. And they did.

One day, as it was expected, that would happen sooner or later: a woman dared not to want to attend to the rituals. That was a matriarchal society, so instead of burning the woman alive or killing her for refusing to perform the “military service,” the tribe only expelled the woman from society: if she did not agree in playing that role that was so important to the group, It didn’t make sense for her and for them that she continued to be part of it. Fair enough.

Gypsy

The woman left alone into the woods to live by her own fate. And that’s when it all started: In the forest, alone, without the protection of the group, nor of men with their hunting and defense techniques, the woman found herself only relating to her thoughts and nature. Without domesticated dogs to help her hunt, the woman domesticated the cat. The cat is, by excellence, the animal that the woman has tamed. The cat could bring her small animals to eat … mice and other hunts. During the day, the woman slept in safe places, and at night, guided by the moon and its phases, the woman spent most of her time awake because she dealt better with the predators of the night. Her menstruation was no longer synchronized with the group, nor was her desires.

Without the farming advantages of the group, the woman ate what she found, and learned what wild plants are good to be eaten, which ones can kill, which ones will heal, which tree bark is medicinal, which one opens portals in the mind and universe. The woman became wild, and yet, and perhaps because of this, a healing specialist.

In the tribe, if someone was very sick, and they had no one else to turn to, they remembered that the woman who was expelled and lived in the forest, she knew herbs, she knew what to do. They took the patient to see her. He would come back healed. She was magical. The woman communicated with nature, because she had no one else to communicate. And the way nature tells animals that a tsunami is coming, nature told the woman things that others could not see ahead. And then it was learned that the woman saw the future. The woman lived alone, no children, no friends, only her cats, her intuition and her telepathy with the divine.

Gypsy2

The women who lived in the group were happy and fit, with their children and rules, and families. The woman in the forest was a rebel. A mystery. Sometimes, in the forest, a man would show up, looking for the woman. He would be dissatisfied with the society in which he lived, but without the courage to say no. And he fell in love with the forest woman. And their quick affair was the closest he got from being a rebel. Then, like the sick returning from the forest, the man would also get back, also cured of the slight doubt he had for a moment: to be himself or to be the group. He would return to the group as the dog returns to its owner’s house.

I will not say that the woman in the forest did not suffer. She was dying. But she also knew the healing to raise herself from the dead. Everything was in her kitchen. As time goes, men come and men go, sick come and sick go, while she perceives her place in the world. She was the healer. She would never be on the procreative wheel. She lit the fire inside those who had no fire burning inside. One day she herself would be burned alive at a campfire, but that is another story.

After struggling and often finding herself desiring to have the same wishes and be like the people of the tribe, who want things that could guarantee her a quiet less solitary life, she begins to understand that her happiness is different from the happiness of others. At this point, her cats arrive with little mice, which she eats, then she drinks tea that she knows has the power of taking away all thoughts about those who have left. She knows that everything, in the end, is wind. And that’s fine.

gypsy3

You are not so important, and that’s great

I came here to tell you, young people, that, until you get into the end of your 20s, you guys will want to be V.I.P. You will want to rock the party, you will want to be the best, the greatest. And strangely, you will live with an unconscious emotional weight on your shoulders, which you have no idea where it comes from. sometimes it’s a rage that pops up out of the blue, sometimes a resentment, an invisible barrier between you and some people of your life. and karmically, you will attract to your life lots of people who act with you the same way you act with those other people.

when you get in your 30s, you will understand what the hell this feeling is, and it will be shocking to find out that it’s the feeling of all grudges from the past, each little situation that hurt you guys while you were growing up. You will set the light into the darkness, you will make the pain conscious, you will face it and try to heal. up to half of your 30s, Jesus, you will almost have a master’s degree in new age videos on youtube. there will be a lot of practices, a lot of meditation and bang! Carl Jung, and bang! teal swan.

in your mid-30s when you guys have already learned forgiveness, you will unexpectedly bump with the best feeling of all: humility. humility is a very lovely thing that makes you look around and think, “Who am I so that the others don’t make mistakes with me?  who am I so that my mother doesn’t make mistakes? who am I so that people always consider my feelings? who am I not to be dumped? who am I not to be fired? “, and that will be liberating. In the middle of the night, you will send messages to your mother, some unsaid piece of text that got missed at the age of 7: “I love you, Mommy”. You guys will no longer want to be a VIP member of life, you will be very happy in being just another tiny drop in the ocean. and suddenly those people you’ve attracted that acted with you as you acted with others before getting rid of resentment, suddenly they also look into themselves and ask themselves: “Who am I so that he/she (you) doesn’t make any mistake with me? “. the universe is very beautiful. everyone applauds. closing credits go up. the end.